FMA Dating
by QueenBrooke
Summary: Some insane person, namely me, has given the characters of FMA their own game show! Maes and Al are the hosts. Riza is a bachelorette and has to pick a date: Roy, Havoc, or Ed. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! Well, this is my first attempt at an FMA parody, and I'm not sure if it's good or not. I got the idea from someone else's parody so I branched off theirs and wrote this one. It's in the form of a game show. It's actually pretty self-explanatory. Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Full Metal Alchemist or any of the characters. **

**Maes:** Hello, and welcome to FMA Dating! My name is Maes Hughes and I'll be your host this evening, along with my friend, Alphonse Elric! crowd cheers and Al and Maes wave at the crowd

**Al:** Well, I guess we should let you meet the contestants. Today, in FMA Dating, one woman will get the opportunity to question three men and choose which one she would most like to go on a date with. So, let's bring out Contestant Number-

**Maes:** Oh, wait! There's something we have to do before we meet the contestants.

**Al:** What?

**Maes:** holds up a giant picture of Elicia This is my daughter, and she _should_ be the star of the show! Isn't she beautiful? Look at her perfect little smile, she's more charming than-

**Roy **(from backstage): Maes, shut up about your bleeping daughter or I'll come out and burn you like- a snap is heard, then there is a big whoosh of flame from backstage. Stage crew people run backstage with fire extinguishers. Meanwhile, you can hear a loud beeping noise

**Maes:** bleeping Roy, doesn't know a thing about-

**Random Audience Member**: Get on with the bleeping show!

**Maes**: Oh. Yeah, of course. Let's bring out contestant Number One! cheesy music plays and the spotlight lands on Roy, who is still covered in fire extinguisher dust

**Roy:** bleep it, Maes!

**Maes**: Well, you insulted Elicia!

**Roy:** I did not! I just told you to shut up for once in your life!

**Maes:** Are you saying I talk too much? Some friend you are! I've never once whined about how often you bleeping talk about yourself.

**Roy**: Yes, you bleeping have!

**Al:** Oh, we forgot to mention that this show is censored. Anytime anyone swears, you'll just hear this noise: bleep!

**Maes and Roy**: stop fighting

**Roy:** Alphonse, did you just swear?

**Al:** shrugs

**Maes: **Wow, never thought I'd see the day.

**Captain Obvious**: Al doesn't swear very often.

**Roy:** looks at Maes, who nods, then snaps and burns Captain Obvious

**Al**: Here's Contestant Number Two, Jean Havoc! Havoc walks out to cheesy music, waving at the crowd

**Some girl in crowd:** He's hot!

**Roy:** Hey, no one said I was hot!

**Havoc:** Well, that's because you've got stuff all over you. Maybe they don't think fire extinguisher dust is hot. he flicks some out of Roy's hair

**Roy:** Oh, blow it out your bleep

**Maes:** And now, we'll introduce Contestant Number Three, Edward Elric! Ed walks out to cheesy music, waving

**Random Lady**: Hey, how old is that woman going to be? You guys aren't breaking the law, are you?

**Ed**: Who are you calling a bean-sized leprechaun so small you have to use a microscope to see it?

**Winry**: No one said that, Ed!

**Al**: Winry? What're you doing here?

**Winry:** shrugs I came to see the show. And to keep Ed in line.

**Random Woman**: Well, all children need a mother figure in their life.

**Ed:** I'm fifteen for your information!

**Crowd:** laughs hysterically

**Roy and Havoc**: laugh hysterically

**Al:** holds Ed back from beating on Roy and Havoc

**Maes:** Why don't you guys take your seats and we can meet our lucky lady, Miss Elizabeth Hawkeye! more cheesy music plays and Riza walks out, glaring at everyone

**Maes:** How are you today, Riza?

**Riza:** Oh, I'm great! I got some new bullets and I also polished my favorite gun.

**Al:** Well, that sounds fun.

**Cameraman:** is hurriedly strapping on a bullet-proof vest

**Maes:** Right, well I think it's time for a commercial break. We'll be right back after these messages!

**I hope you liked it! I'll post another chapter soon, hopefully. Later! Brooke **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone! Firstly, I know I said last time that there would be a commercial break in between, and I tried, but my commercials just weren't funny. So I gave up. Thanks for reading! Oh, and there will now be dashes (-) before and after actions. Okay, now to my reviewers.**

**Guest: I don't know whether to take cooky as a compliment or an insult, so I'll take it as a compliment. And I love you! Roy and Riza are meant to be (although that doesn't necessarily mean they get together in this fic) **

**Spearette: Thanks for the review and the advice! I didn't know that asterisks don't work. This time there are dashes. Yay!**

**KiloLuna: Thanks! You'll just have to wait and see…**

**Tear drops of flaming darkness: Thank you!**

**Takki-sensei: Thanks. I did update soon, at least, this is soon for me! **

**Disclaimer: If I owned FMA, Roy and Riza would be together, and so would Ed and Winry. But they're not. Enough said. **

**Maes:** Welcome back to FMA Dating! If you just tuned in, it sucks to be you, because we're not introducing the contestants again.

**Al:** Absolutely not. But we will tell you that the point of this show is for Riza to choose which man she'd most like to go out on a date with out of the three members of the military we've already met.

**Maes:** Riza, you read the questions off of those cards, and the men are going to answer you one at a time. You don't get to see the men until you've chosen which one you'd most like to date. Any questions?

**Riza:** Are you calling me stupid, Maes? -points gun at his head-

**Al: **No, really, Riza, we have to ask that! It's in the script!

**Riza:** Oh. Well, then. Question Number One: Describe yourself in one word.

**Smart man:** That's a statement, not a question.

**Roy:** Ah, shut up.

**Riza:** No, I've got it. -points gun at him- Did you say something?

**Smart man:** No, ma'am.

**Riza:** Ok, Man Number One.

**Roy:** Um, fiery.

**Riza:** Wow, that totally gave away who you are. Man Number Two?

**Havoc:** Unforgivably sexy.

**Smart man:** That's two words, not one.

**Riza:** (to Smart Man) Shut up! (to Havoc) That's two words, not one.

**Havoc:** Well, my amazing sexiness cannot be summed up in a mere word.

**Riza:** Right…Man Number Three?

**Ed:** Talented.

**Random Woman:** He should say short.

**Ed:** Are you calling me a smurf?

**Winry:** No one called you a smurf!

**Ed:** She called me short!

**Winry:** Well, you are short! If you actually went out with Riza, you'd come up to her waist!

**Roy:** And she's not really tall.

**Havoc:** Face it, Full Metal. You're just a smurf.

**Ed:** I AM NOT A SMURF! -tries to transmute his arm into a sword, but it turns into a giant paperclip-

**Maes:** Oh, we forgot to mention that your alchemic powers are kinda tampered with by the stage lights.

**Roy:** That explains a lot.

**Ed:** -whimpers and stares at his paperclip of an arm-

**Riza:** Can I ask the next question?

**Al:** Actually, I think it's time for another commercial break. We'll be right back after these messages!

**Hope you liked! I'll update soon. Bye! Brooke **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi everyone! Well, I'm back with the next chapter. Not much else to say. To my reviewers: **

**Ssj-kabuto: Um, thank you, I think. I hope this is chapter is more than just mildly amusing (?) **

**Jaeger gal: Thanks! I agree that Maes and Roy are hot, but Havoc is third on the hot list, in my opinion. And Al would be up there if he had his body. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Reality sucks. **

**Maes:** Hi, and welcome to FMA Dating! If you just started reading, I strongly advise you to go back to Chapter One, because we don't feel like explaining anything.

**Al:** Go ahead, Riza.

**Riza:** Ok, Question Number Two: If you were to take me on a date, where would you take me? Man Number One?

**Roy:** I'd take you out for dinner and a movie, and then back to my place. -raises eyebrows suggestively-

**Riza:** -points gun at him- Could you repeat that last part, after the movie?

**Roy:** Um, we'd do paperwork! Lots and lots of paperwork! And maybe go to the shooting range.

**Riza:** Very good. Man Number Two?

**Havoc:** I'd probably get you smashed drunk, and then drag you off-

**Riza:** -clicks the safety off her gun-

**Havoc:** -gulps-

**Riza:** Man Number Three?

**Ed:** I'd take you somewhere really nice, where they don't serve milk.

**Winry:** _Edward!_ The only reason you're so -bleep-ing short is because you don't drink your -bleep-ing milk!

**Ed:** It is not!

**Winry:** Is too!

**Ed:** Is not!

**Winry:** Is too!

**Al:** -sighs-

**Maes:** Can we please get on with the show?

**Riza:** Yes. Question Number Three: If you were to say something nice to me, what would you say? Man Number One?

**Roy:** I would say that if it were up to me, your uniform would be a miniskirt.

**Riza: **-shoots a bullet right past his ear-

**Roy:** Can I change that to you have good aim?

**Riza:** Man Number Two?

**Havoc:** The first thing Roy-I mean, Man Number One said.

**Riza: **-shoots a bullet right past his ear- What was that?

**Havoc:** That you look good in a miniskirt.

**Riza:** -Holds her gun right at his nose- I'll get back to you in a second. Man Number Three?

**Ed: **Hmm…I would say that I like you much more than I like Winry.

**Riza:** That's not much of a compliment.

**Havoc:** Yeah, mine was much more complimentary! And I'm sure you do look good in miniskirt…although you probably look even better without the miniskirt…

**Riza:** -tackles Havoc-bleeping noises and gunshots can be heard-

**Maes:** Um, commercial break time!

**Ok, well, hope you liked! I will post again soon, hopefully. Bye! Brooke **


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi again! Well, no one reviewed since last time…-sniffs-…but people have been reading it, so I decided to post this next chapter. It's my personal favorite, but I like my own jokes too much. Oh, well. Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. At all. Reality bites. **

**Maes:** We're back with FMA Dating…and if you just tuned in, well, too bad.

**Al: **Go for it, Riza.

**Riza:** Okay, Question Number Four: What is your idea of being nice to a girl? Man Number One?

**Roy:** A normal girl or you?

**Riza:** -glares and points gun-

**Roy:** -gulps- Um, taking her to the shooting range and walking her dog for her and doing whatever she says.

**Riza:** We should've come on this show before now…Man Number Two?

**Havoc **(who is severely bruised from Riza's beating in the last chapter and smells of gunpowder) Do they bleep out words like -bleep- (AN: Sex) on this show?

**Maes:** Yes.

**Havoc:** Oh. Well, that's my answer- -gulps as he sees Riza's gun pointing straight at his nose-

**Riza:** Ed?

**Ed:** It's Man Number Three, -bleep- it!

**Riza:** Just answer the -bleep-ing question!

**Ed:** Fine! I would buy her stuff and take her places with me, like on trips to a city where I know she really wants to go.

**Winry:** Edward! That's how you treat me! And that's not exactly nice!

**Ed:** Oh, shut the -bleep- up! At least I'm not whipped like Roy!

**Riza:** Hey, Roy's not whipped! He just knows what's good for him, unlike Havoc.

**Roy:** No, I am whipped. -comes and kneels in front of Riza- And it's all because of you.

- lights go all soft and pretty colored and spotlight turns blue and moves onto Roy. Al hands Roy a microphone as cheesy piano music starts. Roy starts to "Oooh" and Havoc, Ed, and Maes fall over laughing. Riza is too much in shock to laugh.-

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did _

_I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery _

_I will not break, the way you did, you fell so hard _

_I've learned the hard way to never let it get that far _

_Because of you I never strayed too far from the sidewalk _

_Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt _

_Because of you I find it hard to trust, not only me,_

_But everyone around me, _

_Because of you, I am afraid _

_I lose my way, and it's not too long before you point it out _

_I cannot cry, because I know that's weakness in your eyes _

_I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life _

_My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with _

_Because of you I never strayed to far from the sidewalk _

_Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt _

_Because of you I find it hard to find it hard to trust, not only me,_

_But everyone around me, _

_Because of you, I am afraid _

_I watched you die, I heard you cry, every night in your sleep. _

_I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me. _

_You never thought of anyone else you just saw your pain. _

_And now I cry in the middle of the night, doin the same damn thing _

_Because of you I never strayed to far from the sidewalk _

_Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt _

_Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything _

_Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in _

_Because of you I'm ashamed of my life, because it's empty _

_Because of you, I am afraid _

_Because of you… _

_Because of you… _

-Spotlight goes back to normal and Roy takes a bow. Most of the girls in the audience have fainted from his hotness (including me). Riza's mouth is hanging open. Havoc and Ed are lying on the ground, twitching from laughing so hard-

**Al:** Is it time for a commercial break Maes?

**Maes:** -Is lying under a chair with tears streaming down his face from laughing so hard, but tries to nod-

**Al:** We'll be right back after these messages!

**I forgot to mention in my first disclaimer that I don't own the song "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson or any of the lyrics. But I don't. If you haven't heard that song, I strongly advise you to download it and picture Roy singing it. It caused me to laugh till I cried, but maybe it's not that funny. Anyways, one chapter left (I think). Bye! Brooke **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everyone! Sorry it's taken me so long to update…the next chapter will be faster…or at least, I'll try to make it faster. Um, reviewers: **

**Ohohen: Personally, I think Roy singing is hot. But that's just me. Thanks for the review!**

**Markio: Thanks for the review! You'll find out soon who she ends up with…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. We've been through this. **

**Maes:** Welcome back to FMA Dating! If you just tuned in, it sucks to be you. However, if you missed the last chapter, I strongly advise you to go back and read it. We discovered that Roy can sing!

**Havoc:** And that he likes to sing mushy pop songs!

**Kelly Clarkson:** What'd you mean, mushy?

**Roy:** Yeah, what'd you mean mushy?

**Kelly Clarkson **(to Roy): You stole my song! And since when can you sing?

**Roy:** Who are you?

**Maes:** Oh, they told me they were gonna drop by. -throws dagger at Kelly Clarkson, who turns into Envy-

**Lust: **I didn't know you could sing, handsome. -comes up and runs her hand over the back of Roy's chair suggestively-

**Riza:** -points gun at Lust- Back off.

**Lust:** What're you gonna do, shoot me? Oh, I'm so scared.

**Riza:** I'm not gonna shoot you. We're gonna catfight, right here, right now, no powers.

**Roy and Havoc: **-noses start bleeding- Yes! This is the best day ever!

-A boxing ring suddenly appears in the middle of the stage and Maes is suddenly dressed in the referees clothes-

**Maes:** Okay, girls, I want a good, clean fight. Understood?

**Riza:** Stop calling me stupid, -bleep- it!

**Lust:** Well, he has reason to!

**Riza:** Oh, that is it!

**Riza and Lust:** -Start doing the bitch slapping/catfight thing. After five minutes or so, Riza says screw this and punches her in the face. Lust pokes Riza in the shoulder with her fingernail, so Riza shoots her in the eye, then kicks her over and sits on her-

**Maes:** -pointing the floor like a wrestling referee- One, two, three! The winner: Riza!

-raises Riza's arm in victory-

**Riza:** Take that, you -bleep-!

**Lust:** Aw, -bleep- it.

**Gluttony:** Lust, can I eat her?

**Lust:** Oh, shut the -bleep- up.

**Maes:** Um, we'll be right back!

**Um, hope you liked! Brooke**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, everyone! I am so sorry it's been so long. My life is crazy during the school year so I usually just update in the summer but I had some free time today. Thanks to all my reviewers, and whoever asked, definitely Roy's English voice actor. He is very attractive. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. **

Al: Welcome back to FMA Dating! If you just tuned in, you have missed some very interesting scenes.

Maes: Yep. Interesting. Well, Riza, can you ask the next question?

Riza: Absolutely. sits down and flips to the next card Question Number Five: What's your- MAES!

Maes: Yes?

Riza: I am not bleeping asking that!

Maes: Why not? comes over to her, reads card, and falls on ground laughing

Al: Sorry, Riza, but you have to.

Riza: growls Fine. mutters something really quietly

Random Audience Member: We can't hear you!

Riza: FINE! What's your bleeping sign and what does it tell about your bleeping personality?

Roy, Havoc and Ed: laugh hysterically

Riza: (very murderously) Roy?

Roy: wiping away tears of laughter I'm a Leo. It means I'm hot, fiery, and passionate.

Riza: Havoc?

Havoc: I'm a Scorpio. It means I'm sexy and mysterious.

Riza: buries her face in her hands Ed?

Ed: I'm a Libra. It means I'm romantic and charming.

Winry: No, it doesn't! It means you're gullible and stupid!

Ed: Winry, shut up!

Winry: What're you gonna do, transmute a giant pencil and stab me?

Ed: Maybe I will!

Winry: I'd love to see you try.

Havoc: Maes?

Maes: looks up from where he's lying on the ground, still laughing Yes?

Havoc: Can we get on with the show? I've got a date tonight.

Riza: _What?_ What if I pick you?

Havoc: Well, then we'll go out tomorrow night…oh, no, wait, I've got date tomorrow night, too.

Riza: Okay, Maes, this is just stupid. Havoc's got a thousand other girls other than me, Ed is obviously in love with Winry-

Winry: (hasn't heard a word Riza just said) It's not my fault you won't drink your bleeping milk!

Ed: Stop calling me short!

Riza: -which leaves the wannabe singer, Roy.

Maes: Are you saying you choose Roy?

Riza: I'm saying this is stupid!

Roy: She chooses me! Yes! C'mon, let's go!

Riza: I have one question left! Roy, sit down! Ed, stop fighting with Winry! Havoc, cancel your bleeping dates! awkward silence Okay, now Question Number Six-

Havoc: (whispering to Roy) That was hot. a bullet flies past his ear

Riza: If you were to transmute something for me, what would it be?

Roy: A miniskirt. clears his throat as Riza's gun lands in between his eyes A gun.

Havoc: I can't transmute anything. I'm not-

Riza: Just answer the bleeping question!

Havoc: Something lacy, and probably either black or red. yet another bullet flies past his ear

Ed: Anything but milk.

Riza: Fine, I give up. Ed, go make out with Winry. Havoc, go find your date. Roy, you and I are going to go-

Roy: Yes! I won! In your face, Havoc and Smurf-boy!

Riza: I was going to say that we're going to take you to an institution for the mentally unstable.  
Roy: Wherever you wanna go, baby!

Riza: sighs

Maes: Well, thank you for tuning in to FMA dating! Join us next week for Desperate Homoculus. Until then, I'm your host Maes Hughes-

Al: And I'm Alphonse Elric! See you next time!

**All done. Hope everyone liked! **


End file.
